Will you…?

How do you handle tragedy, unmet expectations, disaster, hard times, disappointment, or unfulfilled desires? Do you blame God? Do you feel like God is picking on you? Or do you lean into Him more, knowing He is the only one who can get you through it? Do you trust in His character and the promise of His word?

If you have lived in the world for any amount of time, then more than likely you have at some time experienced deep disappointment, loss, or heartbreak. More than likely, you have dealt with the frustration of unmet expectations or unfulfilled desires.

You might have even watched with envy as the lives of those around you seem to move along with ease, never experiencing the pain, loss, and despair that you have.

It’s easy at times to want to blame God for what is going on in our lives. It is easy to think He is picking on us. It’s easy to get angry at Him because, after all, He is the one in charge of everything, right?

One of my favorite movies (of all time) is Facing the Giants. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a cry baby. I cry. A Lot.

I cry when I am happy.

I cry when I am sad.

I cry when I am mad.

I cry when I worship. Every time.

But even though I am a crier, there is no movie that can make me go through a whole box of tissue in one sitting.

Except this one.

When I watched this movie for the first time, I was struggling with being single at thirty-four years old. I was caught between my desires for a husband and my desires to allow God to be enough. I was battling to surrender my desires to Him and to trust in His timing and His plan. And, I was trying to not get frustrated and isolate myself from the only One who could ever truly satisfy me.

There are so many amazing scenes in this low budget film. So many scenes that speak to my heart, so many that I love. But this one scene moves me more than any other.

I remember sobbing as I watched that scene for the first time. It was as if in that moment, God asked me, “Chrystie, will YOU love ME even if…? Will you choose Me above everything else?” And right there in my bedroom, blinded by tears, I answered Him, “Yes, God. I WILL love you…even if…”

It wasn’t easy. It required an almost constant conscious recommitment. It meant dying to self, and to my own desires. Sometimes daily. It meant trusting His character and in His plan even when I didn’t understand or like it. But, I have never regretted it. And I pray that I always choose to love Him, no matter what.

Is He talking to you today? Is He asking you the same question?

Will you choose to love God even if…? Will you choose to love Him, no matter your circumstance?

I promise, if you choose Him, you won’t regret it.

 

Father, there are so many in this world who are hurting, lonely, and frustrated. I pray that you will comfort them today with your love and your companionship. I pray that they may be strengthened by your presence and the promise of your Word. Help them to know your love for them so intimately, that when the chance presents itself, they will choose to love You even if…

Double Blessings

On this day two very special men were born…

The first man is my daddy. I am a daddy’s girl through and through. He has always been there. Always.

As a young girl, I was his sunshine. He worked hard to provide for us. He instilled good values and a strong work ethic. He gave me a solid Christian foundation even though I departed from it for a while.

Through the bad times, he never left my side. Ever. He never gave up on me. He practiced tough love at times, but it was always love. He suffered alongside me. He fought with me. He fought for me.

Today, as a married woman, he is probably my biggest cheerleader. He is still always there encouraging, challenging, listening, and praying.

We have had many amazing years together! He is a great man. And I love him so much.

Happy Birthday, Daddy! I love you!!!!

The second man is my husband. Two of the most amazing men born on the same day. How could one woman be so blessed?

Wow, what can I say about my hubby? He is everything I prayed for in a man. He is a true gentleman. Trustworthy, dependable, and respectful.

His goofy and playful nature provides balance to my introspective and slightly more serious nature. He is able to bring out the playfulness in me with ease and has provided me with so much laughter in such a short period of time.

His optimism and outlook on life are a breath of fresh air. He is supportive, encouraging, and loving.

I love his heart for God, family and friends. I love his generous spirit and adventurous nature.

He is an amazing husband and I am so blessed!

Happy Birthday, baby! I love you!!!

I Remember…

 

I remember sitting in a crack trailer by myself with a stranger…for hours.

I remember the roaches crawling all around me, but my desire for the drug overpowered my fear of the bugs surrounding me.

I remember the desperation, the hunger, the vast chasm in my soul.

I remember the shame, the regret and the sorrow.

I remember what it was like to know everything within me was screaming to stop, but the beast was more powerful.

I remember trying to drown the voices of reason in my head.

I remember trying to reach a place of nothingness where everyone and everything faded away…including me.

I remember the pain, the loneliness, and the confusion.

I remember being at odds with everyone and everything around me.

I remember the chime of church bells across the street from me greeting the parishioners as they entered to worship a God I hated.

I remember the ache within me every time I saw a sunrise.

I remember trying to drink myself to death.

I remember the night everything went black and I thought it was finally over.

I remember the gun waving frantically around the room and everyone scurrying to escape, but I was unable to run.

I remember the look of disappointment on my father’s face.

I remember my mother telling me I could stay for the night, but I had to leave the next morning.

I remember stealing candy bars so I could eat, knowing every dime I had would be necessary to feed my habit.

I remember standing in line with all of the other junkies at the methadone clinic…every morning.

I remember the fear of facing a single day without methadone.

I remember the day God saved me from that life…I wasn’t seeking rescue

I remember hating everything to do with religion, even after He saved me from addiction.

I remember callously using His name in vain…in every sentence.

I remember going to church only to appease my father on Father’s Day and Christmas.

I remember the physical feeling of repulsion as I listened to the sermons.

I remember Him wooing me, beckoning me to Him.

I remember the softening of my heart.

I remember choosing to go to church.

I remember the first time I sang Amazing Grace…by choice.

I remember the day He spoke to me.

I remember exactly where I was sitting.

I remember what I said in response to Him.

I remember surrendering to Him.

I remember the church playing the song, When God Ran, on the day I was baptized.

I remember feeling as if He chose the song, because I was a prodigal and He did run to me.

I remember feeling overcome with His love on the day of my baptism.

I remember being lifted from the water and hearing the words, “…raised to walk in new life with Christ.”

I remember that being the sweetest sound.

I remember what life was like without Him and that creates within me an insatiable hunger for Him.

But what is more important than any of that…He remembered me. He remembered me when I was lost, broken, and hopeless. He remembered me in the pit and He will remember you too.

It is because I remember what He has done for me that I cannot stop speaking about Him.

It is because I remember the grace, mercy, and love He bestowed on me when I couldn’t care less, that I am passionate about Him.

I pray I never forget.

 

Blog Carnival: Go check out other posts on the topic of Remember at Peter Pollock’s  place!

Our God Will Come

Do not fear

Our God will come

He’ll restore those He has ransomed

He’ll make a path that’s straight

He’ll prepare the way

Our God will come

Our God will come

We sang these words in church today. With each word I sang, the longing within me grew deeper, more intense.

I long for Him.

I long to be in His presence.

I long to be restored to Him.

I long for His coming.

This could be easily misunderstood as discontentment with my life, but that isn’t true. I have a good life, great friends and family, a great church home, a fabulous husband and stepson.

Paul says in Philippians 3:7-9, “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him…”

So while I have a great life, it all pales in comparison to Him. There is a hole in my heart that only He can fill. There is a longing within me that cries out for Him alone.

This morning the words of my mouth sang, “Our God will come. Our God will come,” but the words of my heart said, “Come Lord Jesus. Come quickly. Come to us.”

Lord, I long for the day that you will restore us to you. I long for the day that you will come for us. I long to see your glory. I long to be in your presence. I know that day is coming. I do not know when or how, but I know you will come and I can’t wait.

Root Rot

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10 NIV

With utmost sincerity, a hint of desperation, and a heaping helping of confusion, I mumbled, “I just need to know what my role is. I need to know what is expected of me.”

I have said these words more than once and as soon as I said them the other day, all of the times before flashed before me. It was as if God held a mirror in front of my face and said, “Look. This is something I want you to see. This, I want you to address.”

Unrest settled into my spirit. I knew something was wrong with the statement I made but I wasn’t exactly sure why or what to do about it. Once again, I felt the fire of God’s refining process, molding me into what He desires me to be.

Over the next couple of days, I talked about and prayed about my situation. And little by little, God revealed to me some not so pretty truths about myself.

When I looked back at the times in my life I have said those same words, it was almost always during a period of change in my life.

I said it after I married my husband.

I said it after I changed jobs.

I said it as a new step mom.

On the surface, it doesn’t seem like a bad thing. I desire to meet and exceed the expectations of my boss. I desire to be a great wife, step mom, youth leader, daughter, sister, and friend. Dressed up, it might be called people pleasing. But, when you dig deeper, it is a festering infection wrought with self-centered fear. It is born out of fear of loss, fear of not measuring up to the standard or expectations of others, fear of conflict, fear of what others might think, fear of not being liked. The list could go on and on.

At the very least, the result of this self-centered fear, manifested as people pleasing, is exhaustion from trying to please everyone in my life and a lack of peace that comes from finding my identity in Christ, rather than in my roles. But deeper and more unsettling than that is this: if I am always focused on living up to the expectations of others, I am failing to live up to my true potential in Christ.

John states in John 12 verses 42-43, “Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him (Jesus). But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.”

Even, in Christ’s day, people conformed to the world out of fear, pride, vanity, and the desire for approval of man.

So what’s the solution to finding our identity, value, and worth in the roles we play or in the approval of others? How do we avoid defining ourselves by the world’s standard?

Honestly, I am still seeking answers to this question. But, I believe at least part of the answer lies in Colossians 2:6-7. “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.”

Matthew Henry states in his commentary on these verses, “The more closely we walk with Christ the more we are rooted and established in the faith. A good conversation is the best establishment of a good faith. If we walk in him, we shall be rooted in him; and the more firmly we are rooted in him the more closely we shall walk in him: Rooted and built up. Observe, we cannot be built up in Christ, unless we be first rooted in him.”

When my identity and worth is rooted in my role as mom, wife, daughter, writer, or success by the world’s standard, I am likely to suffer from root rot. When those roles change, as everything in life does, I am likely to be uprooted and tossed about by the wind. But when my identity is rooted and built up in Christ, I am rooted in the only thing in life that truly gives my life meaning and purpose.  In Him, I am firmly established. In Him, I am secure. In Him, my roots grow strong and deep and the rest of my life is nourished. In Him, I am complete. And when my identity is rooted in Him, I have no need for the approval of man.

Father, I am so grateful that you love me too much to leave me as I am. I am grateful for the lessons you teach me, as uncomfortable as they are at times. I pray that you will transform me with this truth at a core level, so that my life may be rooted and built in you alone.

Our Next Adventure

 

 

 

 

The countdown is on.

Our next adventure is exactly 4 weeks away. Excitement, apprehension, and anticipation for what is to come overwhelm me. I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, the sights and sounds I will see in 4 weeks will leave me in awe of God’s immensity, his handiwork, and my smallness in lieu of it all.

And I can’t wait.

In a few short weeks, we will find ourselves hiking the South Kaibab, Grandview, and Tonto East trails in the Grand Canyon. Day one consists of hiking all the way down into the belly of the canyon from the south rim. The next two days we will hike along the belly of the Canyon and spend each night overlooking the Colorado River. Our final day we will ascend back up to the south rim.  The four day hike is a total of 28 miles.

I have already read that scorpion stings are fairly common and to say I was less than thrilled about this news is the understatement of the year. I am NOT a fan of creepy crawly things. However, I am hopeful that the beauty of the Canyon will overshadow any disdain I have for God’s less appealing creatures.

I would like to ask for your prayers for safe travel and safety as we hike. I can’t wait to share the tales of our adventure with you all when we return.

All beautiful pictures were taken by Ian Parker. Be sure to go check out his amazing photos.

Blog Love

I haven’t been blogging for long. Maybe around 8 months? But in that short period of time, I have “met” some pretty amazing people. Each one of them have become a part of my day, my life. Some of them make me laugh. Some of them provoke tears. Some of them challenge me to grow. Some of them encourage me with the cyber friendships and encouraging words. But they have all become near and dear to me.

It is my desire is to highlight these bloggers today and to encourage you to go visit each of their blogs. Most of them are also on Twitter as well!

Warren over at Family Fountain: Warren stumbled across my blog somehow almost from the beginning and ever since then he has been a consistent source of encouragement for me. I can always count on him to drop by for a visit and provide an encouraging word. Warren’s blog, Family Fountain, is full of wisdom and encouragement on a variety of topics such as marriage, parenting, divorce. He has also just published his first book, Roaring Lions, Cracking Rocks and Other Gems From Proverbs . I encourage all of you to stop by Family Fountain for a visit.

Sande over at So To Speak: Sande also came across my blog one day and I will never forget it. The very first comment she left on my blog was nothing short of divine timing. They were words I desperately needed to hear. Thank you, Sande.

Maureen at Mo’s Marathon: Let me tell you! I love me some Mo! She is so much fun and I love reading about her experiences in Israel, her passion for ministry, and the lessons in Hebrew! If I ever get a chance to realize my dream of going to Israel, I will definitely hope a visit with Mo is included!

Lindsey at Lindsey Nobles.com: Lindsey is precious. She is one of my favorite blogs and I am always excited when she posts something new. She is always relational, engaging and fun. I thoroughly enjoy that about her.

Alece at Grit and Glory: There are just some people that you feel instantly connected to and Alece is one of them. I have never met her in person, but I hope one day we can have the chance to hang out. Her passion, depth, and desire leap off the page. Each word is dripping with longing for Christ. I love that about her. Every single blog I read by Alece touches me, inspires me, connects with me. She is awesome. Make sure you go check her out at Grit and Glory.

Cindy at I Saw God Today: Cindy is another one of those that just somehow happened upon my tiny sliver of space in the internet world and I am so glad she did. She is like an instant girlfriend. One that I am sure we could just giggle and be silly and act like girls together.

Heather at Heal the Wound: Heather is one of the few I have had a chance to meet in person. She is a beautiful woman and the light of Christ radiates from within her. It was such a pleasure to meet her this past year at the She Speaks conference and I am hopeful that we will be able to connect again next year.

Joe at Count It All Joy: Joe is yet another source of encouragement. His kind words always come at just the right time. I am so grateful to have “met” Joe in cyberspace!

Beth, Amanda and Melissa over at The LPM Blog: These ladies add so much to my life. It is usually a highlight of my day. I can count on them for laughter; joy; a couple of “Hallelujah’s”, maybe a “Glory” or two, and a few “Amens”!

I have been blessed, encouraged, enriched, and challenged through the blogosphere. Today is just a little way to thank you all.

Too Good To Be True?

“Nothing in life is free.”

“If anything is worth having, it is worth working for.”

“If you want something in life, you have to earn it.”

These statements resonate within me and are the bedrock upon which my work ethic is built. And while they are true and useful in the natural world, those same ideas don’t translate well in the spiritual realm. Rather than deepening my faith, they often serve as a stumbling block.

Over the years, I have developed a keen awareness of my propensity to seek love, acceptance and worth through work. To me, those things are just one more thing in life I must earn. When my hard work results in validation, I am good enough. And when things don’t turn out well, I am not good enough. Whatever the end result, it is always a roller coaster ride of emotions and at the center of it all is self.

So when it comes to the good news of the gospel, the free gift of salvation paid for in full by the death of Christ, I struggle. I believe God’s word. I believe He loves me. I believe Christ died for me. But actions always speak louder than words. And my actions indicate my belief that I must work to please God, to be “good enough” for Him, to earn His love.

But Romans 5:8 says, “…God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” He didn’t do this as a result of my actions, but instead out of his great love. Period. I had nothing to do with it. It is not something I earn. It is not something I deserve.

Why the struggle to believe this? To trust in the good news that Christ’s death has covered us? Is it because it just seems too easy? Too good to be true? Or is the struggle born out of our own sense of self importance or the desire to believe we in some way earned His favor?

Shortly after feeding the five thousand, Christ is approached by a crowd asking him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?” And then Jesus answered them by saying, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” (John 6:28-29NIV)

That’s the work of God? Believe in Christ. Could it really be that simple? Surely there is something I must do, right? Yet God, because of His divine knowledge of the human bent toward pride, set it up this way so that we cannot boast about anything we did, but only what He did for us. It keeps us humble. It stretches our faith. It beckons us to trust Him and to depend fully on Him, rather than relying on our own self-sufficiency.

God’s love isn’t conditional. It isn’t based on my actions. It isn’t based on whether I am a good person or a bad person. It really has nothing to do with me at all. It is solely because of His great love. And He exhibited that love for me, for you, for the entire world, by sending His son to restore our relationship with Him. That’s the good news of the gospel. And by trusting in that, I can find rest for my soul.

“As the Scripture says, ‘Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.’” Romans 10:11 NIV

 

Lord, thank you for your love. Thank you for the gift of grace. Thank you that Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes. (Romans 10:14 NIV)Thank you that my job is to trust in the one you sent and that when I do so, I will not be put to shame, but will instead receive the right to become a child of God (John 1:12 NIV). I pray that you show us how to rest in what has been given to us through Christ. May we always be defined by the gospel. I love you.

(Participating in today’s blog carnival at Bridget Chumbley’s blog, One Word At A Time. Go visit her blog here and enjoy reading all of the posts.)

Choose Courage

 

“…in their peril their courage melted away.” Psalm 107:26b

Seventeen miles in two days and nine more miles lay ahead of me. Knees throbbing, toes aching, spirit worn. The fire lit up the darkness surrounding me and offered comfort and warmth. Sleep had escaped me the previous two evenings and my body cried out for rest.

Climbing into the tent and snuggling up in my sleeping bag, I expected sleep to come to me quickly. But then I heard it. The slight rustle in the leaves. The snap of a twig. The grunt of what was certain to be a large beast. My once trail weary body was immediately awakened and every sense on high alert.

My heart, pounding within my chest harder with each beat, seemed desperate to escape its confinement. My breath quickening and growing ever shallow, I froze in a desperate attempt to go unnoticed by the beast. Images of my imminent death danced through my mind, leaving me dizzied and distraught. And the evening no longer held out the promise of rest. Because of my fear, I lay begging for the light of morning.

The power of fear amazes me. Fear isolates, separates, magnifies and consumes. It takes over body, mind and soul. Sometimes, it paralyzes. Sometimes, it births irrational action. Often it lingers and threatens to rob its victim of peace, joy, and freedom.

The first time I discovered the power of fear, I was on a retreat. All weekend long, I carried a small pebble the size of a half dollar with me to serve as a tangible reminder of the fear in my life. The intent was at the end of the weekend to release the rock, thereby releasing the fear.

On Sunday morning, I made my way to a secluded pond and prayed. All weekend long, I poured my fears into this rock. Fears of the future. Fears of present circumstances. Fears of what ifs. Fears of not being liked or accepted. Fears of not being good enough. That tiny rock, no bigger than a half dollar, represented my all encompassing fear and I was ready to release it.

After spending some time in quiet reflection, I threw the rock into the middle of the pond to serve as a symbolic physical releasing of my fear. I sat quietly by the water’s edge in amazement at what happened next. That tiny rock created ripples that begin to spread across the entirety of the pond, eventually reaching my feet.

It was at that moment, I understood the ripple effect of fear. Its reach is vast. It spreads as wildfire. It engulfs. It consumes. It enslaves. It dictates. Could that be why God tells us countless times in His word not to be afraid, to instead be strong and courageous?

Joshua 1:9 says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” And 1 Corinthians 16:13 tells us, “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.”

I often assume fear is a feeling I feel and I have no control over it. But, these verses imply I do have a choice. God’s word tells me to choose courage.

But how does one choose courage in the face of fear?

That night as I lay in my tent, terrified a beast was going to have me for dinner, I did the only thing I knew how. I held out God’s word. I recited my memory verses. I prayed the Word of God. I praised a mighty and magnificent God. I chose God’s word to be my courage my comfort, my strength. I held fast to my God, His word, His character, and His plan for my life. I chose Him. He alone is my courage. He alone is my Rock; for I am nothing, but He is everything. It is by Him, I live and move and have my being.

 

“When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” Acts 4:13 NIV

Lord, I pray that in the face of fear or peril, you would give your children the strength, willingness and presence of mind to choose to be courageous, just as Peter and John did. And I pray that through choosing courage, others would see and come to know a beautiful and victorious Jesus.

Get out of the boat

What holds you back from the risk of living boldly for Christ?

For me, its fear of the unknown. I like the safety and security of living in the known. I love structure. Routine. I even love rules. I find comfort living between the lines. And that is all about trying to be in control of my reality. But if I want to live boldly for Christ, I have to be willing to take risks, to put myself out there, to take leaps of faith.

Kevin DeYoung, author of Just Do Something, says, “We should stop looking to God to reveal the future to us and remove all risk from our lives. We should start looking to God – His character and His promises – and thereby have confidence to take risks for His name’s sake.”

I want to join in on God’s adventure. But all too often fear of the unknown holds me back. Before I am willing to take that step of faith – into the unforeseen – I want assurances from God that it’s all going to work out okay. And the truth is it will work out according to God’s plan. But that does not mean that I will never face discomfort, perceived failures, or hardship.

Christ called Peter, James, Andrew, and John from the comfort of their jobs as fishermen. He called them to follow him and become fishers of men instead. They had no promise of safety or security. They had no foreknowledge of what lay ahead. Christ offered them no assurances or details. He just said, “Follow me.” And they did. They dropped their nets, walked away from what they knew, and followed Christ into unknown territory. And they experienced a most amazing adventure! They witnessed miracles. Healings. Love. Resurrection.  They walked, ate, talked, and slept with Christ. Can you imagine what they would have missed had they not chosen to risk it all and follow him?!

So what I am missing in this life because of my need to be in the know? How is my need for assurance of the end result keeping me from stepping out in faith? What adventure does God have going on that I could plug into? Is it engaging my unbelieving friend in a conversation about God? Is it going on a foreign mission trip? Is it just being open to the idea of change or breaking from the “safety” of my routine? Is it being willing to have my life to be transformed in a way that is wholly unrecognizable to me?

The truth is, the world will go on without me whether I choose to take risks for God or not. God’s plan will happen. He doesn’t need me to accomplish his purposes. But, what if I jumped at the chance to play some part in what he is doing here, be it ever so small? Will I stop worry about what is convenient or safe and abandon myself to him, wholly, completely? When He calls, will I say, “Here I am, send me.” Will I drop my net, leave my boat, and follow him?

If I truly trusted that the future is in His hands, would I jump in with both feet? Would I give up my need for control and abandoned myself to Him? What would it be like if we joined Him in His adventure of redeeming the world? If I want to be a part of God’s adventure, then I have to leave the safety of my self-centered, worldly, here and now view.

I have to get out of the boat.

Lord, I want to be a part of your adventure, but I am scared to get out of the boat. I don’t want to allow fear and uncertainty to stop me from abandoning myself to you completely. I want to live boldly and take risks for your name’s sake.  Please help me overcome my fear of what ifs and step out into the unknown confident that the future is in your hands. I love you.

What opportunities do you have to join in on God’s adventure? What’s holding you back today?

Love and Obedience

Participating in Peter Pollock’s blog carnival today. Click here to check out his blog.

Love is an action word. If I love someone or something, it will be apparent in my actions. Loving my husband manifests itself as respect, compassion and forgiveness. I look for ways to be of service to him. I attempt to die to selfish desires and expectations on a regular basis. I regard him with care, concern, and grace because he matters to me. My actions toward him indicate my love for him.

The same is true of my love for God. My actions toward God indicate my love for God.

 

In John chapter 14, Christ tells his disciples that if they love him, they will obey his commands. He didn’t say their love for Him would be indicated by a feeling, but rather an action. Christ did not tell them to obey his commands out of obligation to Him or out of legalism. He told them to obey him out of their love for him. Christ told the disciples if they loved him, they would obey him – they would live their lives acting upon his commands thereby showing their love for him. Their actions indicate their love.

Often, I think of the opposite of love as hate. But, I wonder could the opposite of love instead be indifference? Dictionary.com defines indifference as “unimportance; little or no concern.”

If my husband comes home from a tough day at work and I ignore him instead of taking time to listen to him, I am not acting out of hate. If he is important to me, I will stop what I am doing to listen to him. I will have concern for him. If, as the leader of our family, he makes a decision that I disagree with and I do what I want instead, I am not acting out of hate. I am disregarding and disrespecting his leadership. I am stating, through my actions, my husband is not important to me.

That is not hate. That is indifference.

Several months ago, during one of our youth services, the youth leader made a statement that struck me at a core level. Teaching from Ephesians chapters 5 and 6 and tackling the often difficult subject of wives submitting to their husbands and children obeying their parents, he said, “our actions indicate what we believe.” Elaborating on that statement, he said that if they (the youth) are not obeying their parents, it is because they don’t believe that they have to do so.

So, if I say I love the Lord, yet do not obey him by living according to His word, it is because I believe I do not have to do so and that indicates the state of my heart. That is not love, that’s indifference. And the very thought of being indifferent to the One who gave His all for me breaks my heart.

Lord, I confess I often focus on your words that are full of love and grace and mercy, but the commands that tell me to love my enemy or submit to my husband, I disregard. Yet, when I do so, I am disobeying you and treating you with indifference. You have told me that if I love you, I will do what you say. Father, I want to be obedient to you. I want my actions to speak of my love, respect and reverence for who you are. If I say I love you, I will do what you say. I will obey you. I will obey.

John 14:21 “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.”

This post was inspired by this beautiful song, “If I Say I Love You”, by Billy and Cindy Foote. Click here for Cindy Foote’s blog.

His Scent

 

Have you ever been around someone who wears a lot of cologne? Once they are no longer in your presence, their scent lingers.  Maybe it even rubbed off on you and now you smell like them.

I want to walk so closely with Christ that I smell like Him – I want Him to rub off on me.

6,321 Miles

Mere months into my marriage, I experienced a crisis of identity. The reality that my life would never be the same was as shocking as a quick dip in the arctic seas. The transition from thirty-five years of single life, while joyful, was not easy. I no longer had only my responsibilities, goals and schedule to manage. I now had two other lives to consider as well.

Responsibilities were changing. Priorities, shifting. And my selfish desires were bubbling to the surface, screaming to be done away with one by one. It was a crazy period of adjustment and the pendulum of my emotions swung with vigor from one direction to the other on a moment by moment basis.

On top of managing the pressures of working full-time and responsibilities to my new family, I was also in school at night, attempting to complete my undergraduate studies. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and spiritually emaciated.

It was at that same time my study group partner and dear friend, Bette, was preparing for her long awaited trip to Israel. The week before her journey, she graciously offered to pray for me in any of the places she intended to visit while there. Always wanting to visit the place where the story of my Savior unfolded, I jumped at the chance to have her pray for me.

I knew exactly what I wanted her to pray, but where presented a bit more of a challenge. The Garden of Gethsemane, where Christ suffered and prayed fervently through the agony of his impending arrest and crucifixion, holds a special place in my heart. To know that in those unfathomable moments, his love for me and his submission to the will of the Father meant more to him than his own life, overwhelms me with emotion. Yet, the Garden Tomb represents such joy because He is no longer there…because he conquered the grave! After vacillating for a couple of days, I chose the Garden Tomb and presented my prayer request to Bette.

The week she returned to class, she pulled me into the hallway. As I stood there, Bette recounted a story which left a lasting impact upon me. It was a gift from God, delivered by Bette. A tangible, precious and intimate gift direct from God’s heart to mine.

While I was home in the States, hungry to hear from God, 6,321 miles away He spoke.

He spoke to a woman named Bette.

He spoke my name.

While she stood in the Garden of Gethsemane that day, God gently whispered my name to her. As a result, Bette bent down and picked up a small stone to bring home to me. She had no idea about my love of the Garden of Gethsemane. She had no idea that I had considered asking her to pray for me in that place. We had never discussed it. As a matter of fact, I am not sure I had ever discussed it with anyone. It was intimate knowledge available only to my Abba.

Standing in the hallway that evening, holding the tiny stone from the Garden of Gethsemane, God spoke. Not in words, but in deed. He spoke to me of His love for me. He spoke to me of His power. He spoke to me of His ability to make someone 6,321 miles away act in my behalf. He reminded me that He is working in my life, even when I cannot see it. He reminded me that nothing is too hard for Him.

I received a tangible gift of love from God. The stone itself is marvelous, but what means more to me than the stone, is that my God thought of me and caused me to come to the mind of a woman in the one place that touches my heart more deeply than any other. What he gave me that day was not any old stone; it was a touchstone of His love.

If you are struggling today, know this: God is at work in our lives. He loves us more than we could ever fathom. He does care. He is working on our behalf. And the universe is at His command.

“Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17 NIV

Finding God In Unexpected Places

Several months ago, I set out on a journey. I had no expectations and I wasn’t even sure I would reach the goal. But in spite of my doubt, I officially completed the nine-week training program, Couch to 5k, in August. I am not entirely sure what prompted me to begin the journey or what I hoped to gain from it. I’ve never been a runner and the few times I tried it before, I detested every second. But this time, much to my surprise, I enjoy it.

I didn’t expect to like it.

And I certainly never expected to look forward to it.

But I do.

The physical benefits are great, but they have nothing to do with why I enjoy it. As an introspective, introverted, perfectionistic, and sometimes easily overwhelmed woman, the mental, emotional and spiritual benefits garnered far outweigh any physical gain.

I need quiet time. I need time alone. I need time to reflect. I need time to connect with God, free from distraction. Just me and Him. I need freedom from incessant thought. I need freedom from my perfectionistic tendencies. I need peace. I need to unwind. I need to relax. I need to breathe. I need to just be.

When I run, nothing else exists. The world falls away. It’s just me, God and the iPod. I don’t have anyone clamoring for my attention. I don’t have the noise of TV’s, cell phones, or video games. I don’t have the hustle, bustle and all of the indicators of a house full of life. There is no laundry screaming my name, no housework to be done, nothing that must be accomplished.

There is no agenda. No deadline. No demand I must meet. There is only worship music and my own breath.

I don’t have a need to perform or succeed. There is no measurement or standard to which I hold myself. I don’t care how long it takes me to run a mile. I don’t care how much effort it takes. I don’t care if I run this way or that. It is a state of freedom and peace. It’s a time when I am able to break free of whatever is pressing down on me.

And, it’s the sweetest time of worship and fellowship with my God; a time of deep connection and intimacy. A time when He speaks to my heart. A time when I lean into Him. A time when I reflect on how much I need Him. Want Him. Love Him.

And I never expected to find Him there.

But I did.

And I am grateful.

Tidbits, Updates, Etc.

Whew…what a bevy of activity over the last couple of weeks. It seems things may finally slow down long enough for me to catch my breath.

Today’s post is just random tidbits and updates since I seem to have fallen behind a tad…

Update #1: For those of you who were praying for my husband’s journey… (click here for previous post). Unfortunately, he did not reach the summit. During the days leading up to his summit attempt, they had severe weather. The previous five teams did not reach the summit and the guides advised Ken’s team it was highly likely they would not either. With that knowledge, they set out with high hopes, but realistic expectations.

They made it to 11,000 feet and were able to explore lots of the glacier. However, due to avalanche risk, the guides turned the team back. He was disappointed to not make the summit, but he had a great time with his Nashville buddies. Thank you so much for your prayers for his safety and his journey. He is already itching to go again! Here are a few pics from his adventure!

Update #2: My husband and I have been praying for some time now about my job situation. I have worked in full time outside sales for seven years now and I have been in the technology industry for thirteen. God has done some amazing work in my career, moving obstacles I never could have moved on my own. However, over the last year, I have had a growing desire to work in ministry and to have more time to focus on writing.

Two weeks ago, God opened that door. This past week, I began working for my church in student ministry. It is a part-time position, which will free up some time for me to write more as well. I can’t express how excited I am. The transition has been super busy as I am still juggling two jobs while I try to transition some accounts and close some open deals…and that has made it difficult to blog, comment, tweet, etc. But, everything should slow down a little soon.

Update #3: I finally posted my two memory verses for September. (See here). I was a little behind in getting them posted. I chose Rev 17:14 NIV and John 6:29 NIV.

• Verse 17: “Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” John 6:29 NIV
• Verse 18: “They will make war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will overcome them because He is Lord of lords and King of kings–and with Him will be His called, chosen and faithful followers.” Rev 17:14 NIV

The verse from Revelations is powerful and glorious and it just makes me want to shout. (I am a dork, I know. And amazingly, I am okay with that.)

I plan to write a post dedicated to John 6:29 soon. I hope. This verse hits me at my core. I have not been able to put it into words yet, as God and I are still on the journey. But, it is coming. I know it.

The Other Side

Image courtesy of Microsoft Clip Art

Two years into my sobriety, I found myself trudging through a dark and painful period. I was still learning to maneuver normal day to day challenges, as well as trying to rebuild a life I had nearly destroyed.

Living life, with its encompassing challenges and heartaches without using something to help me cope, was still very new to me. On top of all of that, I was facing the end of a relationship I had been in since the beginning of my sobriety.

I didn’t realize at the time, but I had put that relationship in the God-shaped hole. My hope, joy, security, worth, and life were pinned on that relationship and it was over. I felt like my world had come to an end. Confused, broken, and empty, I wasn’t sure I wanted to live anymore.

Every day was a struggle. I trudged through day after day, hollow and lifeless. I begged God every night to take the pain away. Tears were commonplace and abundant. And each morning, I awoke to the same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing I had to do it all over again.

Friends encouraged me that “this too, shall pass” and one day I would get to the other side of my pain. Yet three months into my struggle, I still lay in bed each night, dreading the onslaught of another morning. One night, attempting to muster up some gratitude, I offered up a simple prayer, “Thank you God, that I am one day closer to the other side of this pain.”

Little did I know that small prayer of thanks in the midst of my pain would become a nugget of hope and truth I would hold onto for years to come.

Eight years later, during my tenth year of sobriety, I faced another tough time in my life. I struggled with severe depression throughout the entire year. It was a season of intense loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, and despair. I felt the old familiar feelings of dread, anxiety, and anguish. Again, the thought of facing another day was too much to bear. There were days I thought the weight of my sadness would crush me. The heaviness in my chest was palpable and my constant companion. It went everywhere with me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not shake it.

Remembering that small prayer many years before, I held onto the truth and hope it offered me through the entire year. Feebly and genuinely saying often, “Thank you God, I am one day closer to the other side.”

We face many trials in life. Sometimes they are resolved quickly and sometimes we have to trudge for a while, but each day we go through we are one day closer to the other side. And at the end of each night, we can thank God with the knowledge that no matter how much longer our trial will last, we are one day closer to joy, hope, and peace.

“Weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”(Psalm 30:5)

Remember, whatever you are going through today, you are not alone. He is there. This, too, shall pass. And each second, minute, hour, and day, you are one day closer to the other side of your pain.

10 Things I Respect About My Husband

• His sense of adventure
• His active nature
• His commitment to me and Cameron
• His positive attitude and outlook on things
• He is supportive
• He is encouraging
• His easy going, molehill mentality
• His ability to lead me spiritually
• His generous spirit
• His love for family and friends

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 3:33 NIV

Wives, what do you respect about your husband today? Husbands, what do you love about your wives? Let’s focus on these things today!

Thank you for my husband, Lord. He is a good man. Help me to treat him with the honor and respect he deserves as my husband. I love you.

Fearless by Max Lucado: A Book Review

Before I became a Christian, my sister gave me a copy of Grace for the Moment, by Max Lucado. Even though, at the time, I was slightly offended by the gift when she gave it to me, I read it. And it quickly became one of my favorite devotional books, even as a non-Christian. (Go figure?)

Max Lucado is the only Christian author I was able to read, as a non-Christian, without cringing. I believe that had much to do with the conversational tone of his books. His teaching style is relational and filled with grace. His most recent book, Fearless, is written in very much the same way. Because of that, He may very well have had a part to play in introducing the Gospel to me in a beautiful and desirable way that eventually led to me surrendering to Christ years ago.

I was excited to have the opportunity to review his latest book, Fearless, as a Thomas Nelson Book Review Blogger. And, I was not disappointed. Fear has been a very real issue for me since childhood. The older I get, my fears are less related to the boogeyman and more to the very real threats such as evil, financial crises, failing my spouse or God, and other storms of life. Lucado does a great job addressing a myriad of real life concerns and providing practical and Biblical tools to combat fear.

Lucado provides powerful illustrations and quotes that I am certain I will remember when fear comes on like a tidal wave. Some of my favorite quotes from Fearless are:

“Whether storms come or not, we cannot choose. But where we stare during a storm, that we can.”

“Do whatever it takes to keep your gaze on Jesus.”

“Feed your fears, and your faith will starve. Feed your faith, and your fears will.”

“Heaven’s best took hell’s worst and turned it into hope.”

“Stay strong. Trust Christ.”

“When you place your faith in Christ, Christ places his Spirit before, behind, and within you.”

 “When Christ is great, our fears are not. As awe of Jesus expands, fears of life diminish. A big God translates into big courage.”

And my absolute favorite of them all, “It’s not the absence of storms that sets us apart. It’s whom we discover in the storm: an unstirred Christ.”

Lucado does a great job of reminding us that the storms of life are inevitable, but as we keep our eyes on Christ, the commander of every storm, we are much less likely to be ruled by our fears. I highly recommend this book to anyone. Not only does it give practical tools for dealing with fear, but it most importantly reminds us to always keep our gaze on Christ. I love that.

Thirteen Years Ago…

As I sit here this morning, my heart overflows. Tears are in abundance (but what else is new, right?) I have no idea how to express in words the gratitude my heart feels at this moment. My God has been so good to me. He has loved me unconditionally. He has loved me with tenderness and sweetness. He has loved me like no one else ever could or will. He has been my rock. My strength. My hope. He has sustained me when the road is hard. He has been my faithful friend. He has guided me through this life. He has truly been my Shepherd. Always by my side. Never failing me. Ever.

Thirteen years ago today, God intervened in my life. Thirteen years ago today, He freed me from my chains. Thirteen years ago today, He set me free from the bondage of alcohol and drug addiction. Thirteen years ago today, He gave me the gift of amazing grace.

Thank you, God. Thank you for your love. Thank you for saving me when I wasn’t looking to be saved. Thank you for intervening. Thank you for lifting me out of the muck and mire of my life and putting my feet on solid ground. Thank you for the years I spent in alcohol and drug addiction, for without them, I may have never known the relationship I have with you today. Thank you for sustaining me for thirteen years of sobriety. Thank you for giving me life. I offer it back to you to use for your glory. I love you.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3 NLT

Trust

Months of planning, physical training and anticipation led to this moment. After making some last minute phone calls, preparations and final baggage checks, we departed for the airport. With his hand in mine, I sat in silence, staring out the window at road signs whizzing by.

The night before was hectic and we stirred late into the night as he packed his bags, and checked and re-checked his lists. My eye lids, heavy from the lack of sleep, were nothing compared to the weight I felt in my heart.

Entering the airport parking lot, he pulled alongside the curb and parked the car. My pulse quickened, knowing it was time to say goodbye. I watched him closely, drinking in the beauty of his eyes, the glow in his face, the love in his smile. He looked like a kid about to go on his first roller coaster ride. Excitement, apprehension, and joy oozed from his pores. He was ready.

I didn’t expect to get emotional. I don’t know why. I always do. My picture is located next to the word emotional in the dictionary. I feel everything deeply. Why I thought this would be an exception, I am not sure. But as I stood curbside with my arms around my husband, I wondered if it would it be the last time. And when that thought came, so did the tears.

I’ve never cried when seeing him off on a journey before, but then he has never been on a journey quite like this one. His adoring smile and the twinkle in his eyes reflected his love for me as he watched the tears trickle down my cheeks.

I didn’t want to let him go. I could have stood on that curb holding him all day long. I thought about how often I take the blessing of holding him for granted. I lose myself in the daily grind of household chores, work, and minor irritations, offering him a quick kiss when he walks in the door from work and moving on about my business. But, as I stood there contemplating what it would be like to never hold him again, I realized those moments should be relished.

It was time for him to go, but before I could let him leave, I had to pray. With my arms wrapped around him and my head buried in his neck, I prayed for God’s hand to be upon him during his travels. I prayed for him to experience the beauty and majesty of God’s kingdom and to know the joy in reaching the summit of Mt. Ranier. But most of all, I prayed that God would return him to my arms safe and sound.

One final kiss goodbye and he was off. There was almost a skip in his step as he walked away. The excitement of the adventure was obvious in his demeanor. He was made for this kind of thing. It courses through his veins. Sometimes, I think it’s what makes his heart beat. He loves adventure, like I love words. It’s his passion.

Sliding into the car, I felt the hot tears streaming down my face. I continued to mumble prayers for safety under my breath as I pulled out of the airport parking lot. The fear of what ifs sat in the passenger seat next to me.

“Ken will be fine. This isn’t that big of a deal. Trust God to bring him home safe and sound,” I said, trying to redirect my thoughts.

But trusting God offers no assurances of safety, restored health or protection from bad things on this side of heaven. Trusting God doesn’t mean that He will bring Ken home safely. Being a Christian doesn’t ensure things will go my way. The princess does not always find the prince. Our loved ones are not always healed from diseases. Bad things do happen. The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike.

True trust in God is trusting in His character and in His sovereignty. Easton’s defines sovereignty as, “of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his good pleasure.” God tells me in His word that He causes all things to work together for the good (Rom 8:28 NLT). The verse doesn’t promise a trouble free life. It says He causes ALL things (even the bad) to work together for the ultimate good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Making the decision to trust Him, means trusting in His way even when it is unclear or not what I hoped for. It means trusting in His sovereignty when the worst has happened. It means knowing He is at work during good times and bad. It means trusting in His character and word. It means that no matter what happens, I believe He is there, He has a plan and it is for good. He is for me, not against me. It all works together to make up the beautiful tapestry of His will. And in those brief moments that He allows me to see it through His eyes, it is stunning.

I am thankful He spoke to my heart this morning and reminded me what trusting Him is really about. But I am still praying He returns my sweet husband home to me soon!